Thoughts From A Single, Work From Home, Mom

Sharing is caring!

Being a mom is hard.  Being a work from home mom is hard.  Being a single mom is really hard.  Put all three of those together and you have my crazy and exhausting life.  I have been on my own now for well over four months.  Some days are better than others, same as always.  Still in those four months so much has changed, while staying the same, in our lives.

All I ever wanted was to be a mom, and I really wanted to be a stay at home mom.  Jason never made enough to support us alone though, so I always knew that I’d have to work too.  When Nick was five months old I started blogging.  At the time I found it an enjoyable creative release that I thought might bring in a little extra income.  Then a little over a year and a half ago I got real serious about blogging and I started to see that it could be my ticket to allow me to be home with Nick.  Last fall I started working out of the home less so I could put more effort into the blog.  At the start of this year I started working from home full time working on both my blog and doing assistant work for fellow bloggers.  When Jason and I separated I had already built a big online work presence.  I wasn’t making enough to stay home full time when I was the only one bringing in an income, but I did make enough that I was able to stay home and work part time.  I will say I’m grateful that I had built it up enough that I could still stay home two days a week because it meant that Nick’s time at daycare didn’t have to change much (just switching to full days on the days he already went).  It was nice that through such a big change not everything had to change for him.

While I love blogging, and who doesn’t want to make a living doing something they actually love, the purpose of being able to work from home was to be able to spend time with Nick.  Last summer we went for a walk every day (sometimes two times a day) and we went to the park to play almost every day as well.  When I started working from home full time I had to work, but my breaks were spent playing with Nick.  Plus I was able to give him more attention during the day because I figured Jason could spend some time watching him so I could get stuff done.

A lot has changed though now that I am the sole bread winner.  To be able to work from home more I’ve had to take on more assistant work.  The work takes a lot of hours for not a whole lot of money (although enough for us to get by).  I’ve been struggling mentally lately because I’m so busy that I don’t have a lot of time for Nick.  We hardly ever go for a walk this summer, and we haven’t been to the park at all (although he’s been to it a lot with my mother).  I feel like all I ever say to him is, “Mommy has to work.”  I’m as annoyed and tired of saying it as he is of hearing it.  What’s sad is that when Nick is annoyed with me he’ll tell me to go to my computer and work.  I know that as the blog continues to grow the amount of extra work will be able to decrease, so I know this isn’t forever, but it’s hard.

A few days ago I was wrestling with all of these feelings.  I was feeling overworked, exhausted, and like a pretty bad mom.  The fact is though that I don’t have much of a choice.  It’s work hard so we can pay the bills or lose the roof over our head and starve.  As I started to think through it all though I realized that while having to work so much is rough I’m lucky because I still get to be home with Nick.  True I can’t play with him as much as either of us want, but the fact is that I’m there.  When he falls down I’m there.  When he can’t do something on his own and needs some help I’m there.  When he doesn’t feel good and just wants to snuggle on the couch I’m there.  Nick may grow up remembering that Mommy worked a lot, but he’ll also remember that I was always there with him.  A lot of single parents have to work long hours, and sometimes more than one job, and they never get to be home.  I have to work just as hard, but I get to be home with Nick.  I get to move things around so I can go with him on field trips, and I get to constantly watch him grown and develop.

Does Nick watch a lot of TV so I can work?  Far more than I care to admit.  Do I get to give him the amount attention that I want?  No, and I’m sad to say I’ve mastered the art of playing or reading a book while working on the computer.  Are things perfect.  Not at all.  Still I think I’m one of the lucky ones.  Plus we have a lot of family support and Nick gets to spend a lot of time playing with his grandparents every week.  That’s a win-win because while he’s busy with them I can get more work done which allows me to spend more time with him later.  Now if I could only get him to understand the concept of give me 20 minutes and then I’ll be able to play we’d be in business!